Anything and Everything: Evasion
by Buddyboy98
Summary: CRACK FIC; Anything and Everything Universe: Rose and Jake have given DJ and Rachel Credit Cards for emergencies - they use them on anything but emergencies, what happens when it comes time for Rose and Jake to pay the bill?
1. Chapter 1

**Anything and Everything: Evasion **

It was the second Thursday of that month in the Long Household and that meant bill time. However this time, to the children of the Long Household, the words '_bill time_' translated into '_watch Rachel and DJ get their asses chewed out by Mom and Dad time_' and they were more then willing to do what it meant. Jake and Rose Long had made the mistake of giving Rachel and DJ extensions of their Credit Cards last time the Credit Card Bill was due. They were blissfully unaware of what the two eldest children in the Home did in that month. Rachel, being the most effeminate girl in the whole house behind her mother and little sister, had racked up $2984 Dollars in Shopping Trips on 5th Avenue and DJ, being the History buff, had racked up $340 Dollars in Club and Internet Membership fees. They knew this and when they saw their parents sit down at the kitchen table with the stack of envelopes, they could practically hear the violins playing sympathetically for them, "Do you think we should go ahead and tell them?"

Rachel looked at her brother with incredulity, "Are you insane, they'll sign the checks in our blood."

"Maybe if we tell them before they see it, they'll react better," DJ squinted his eyes in his own stupidity, "On second thought, it's best if we act natural, maybe they don't even read the statement."

"Only if we're lucky," Rachel said turning back to the television in hopes of them overlooking it, "But when has luck ever come out for us?"

* * *

><p>"They're certainly acting weird," Rose noticed her eldest son and her second eldest daughter sitting on the couch, with not so much as a nasty word coming in between them.<p>

Jake turned and narrowed his eyes at his eldest children, yes they were acting strange. In any normal situation, you couldn't pull them apart when they started fighting and that usually happened when they were alone together. But there they were, sitting on the couch together as if they didn't have a care in the world. Rolling his eyes, he turned back to Rose and shrugged, "Who knows, maybe they're on drugs."

"Yeah," Rose said, her mind was running up a list of reasons of why they would be acting like that, but none of them stuck out, "I'll beat it out of them when we get done with this."

Looking down, she pried open the electric bill while Jake opened the water. The amounts that they got were considered very high, but with their income and their money, they never really paid much attention to it. They did, however, agree that when a certain bill went over $800 Dollars, they'd try to cut down in the next billing period. Rubbing her nose with her free hand, she opened her checkbook and began to write out the check for the electric bill, "I don't know how many times I'm going to say this Jake, we need to move out of the city, electric is just too damn expensive in this town. Look at this."

She held the statement up to her husbands face and watched as his eyebrow's raised, "Maybe we should give more thought to it."

Setting it back down on the table, she went back to filling out the check. However, not two minutes later, her three youngest children came into the room. They filed into the kitchen with an air of excitement to them all. Kailey went to the refrigerator to grab a Soda and the twins had taken up two of the three chairs that were opposite Jake and Rose. When Kailey was finally seated next to her brothers, Jake and Rose shared a glance with each other and back to their youngest children. This was odd too, as much as Rachel and DJ _liked_ to toy with each other, Daemon and Michael _loved_ to toy with Kailey. Shaking her head, Rose couldn't help but let out a little laugh as she observed each of their little mischievous smiles. "Is there something that you three would like to tell us?"

"No," They all answered in unison and Jake couldn't help but laugh himself.

"Are you sure?" Rose asked again with a smile.

They all shook their heads at this, but Michael was the one to speak up, "We just want to watch."

"Watch what?" Rose asked suspiciously, turning her gaze on her son.

She watched as Michael made a silent gesture towards the living room …and to DJ and Rachel. Rose was going to open her mouth in confusion for a moment, but then something clicked in her mind and then she reached into the stack of envelops. Looking through the labels, she pulled out their credit card statement and held it up to the three. Pointing to the words Credit Card that were on the return address, she raised and eyebrow and spoke in a quiet tone and with her free hand pointed to the living room, "Are you here to watch what happens to_ them_ when _we_ open _this_?"

The three kids nodded their heads, and with a sigh, Rose snickered, "If you want to watch, you have to go stand just beyond the doorway after we call them in here, is that a deal you little sadists?"

There was a slight giggle between all three of them as they nodded and Rose pried open the Credit Card Bill. Unfolding the statement, she moved it closer to Jake so they could read it both. But when they got to the total that was at the bottom of them bill, you could practically see the smoke that came out of the both of their ears. Not taking her eyes off of the statement, she said through clenched teeth, "Scatter."

And as the three did as their Mother told them as fast as they could, they were practically knocked over by Jake and Rose's joint yell, "DJ, RACHEL, GET IN HERE NOW!"

* * *

><p>"$30.00 for something called <em>Cushy<em> Entertainment," Rose sighed as she looked back up to her Son and Daughter, "Who spent $30.00 Dollars on what I can only assume is Internet Porn?"

Jake, Rose and Rachel and turned to DJ who was looking down at his feet with embarrassment, Jake looked over at his son, "Your punishment for that is having your girlfriend being told that you bought a membership to an Internet Porn Website. Who's going to accomplish this little task?"

"You can't do that Dad, Marissa will kill me," DJ complained, this conversation was awkward enough already, just wait until Marissa found out, "I mean, she will kill me _dead_."

"I'll do it," Rachel said from his side.

DJ turned and glared at his sister. To which Rachel replied, "Don't you glare at me, at least I only bought clothes and make up, not Porn."

"Oh and that is supposed to make you any less innocent," Rose rubbed her forehead, "You know you're only allowed to even remotely spend that much when I go shopping."

"I'm sorry Mom," Rachel said, joining her brother in embarrassment, "I was walking home from School and they had this really huge sale in Gucci, it just had to go in and look."

"I don't care honey," Rose chuckled in incredulity, "We gave you these cards for emergencies, or to use when you wanted something you really needed, consider them non existent for the time being."

Jake looked down to the statement, "DJ, you can keep some of these memberships, National Geographic, the History Channel, Young Historians of America, things like that, you can't keep the Porn. But you are grounded for a month and you won't get the card back until you have someway of paying for it yourself or until we give you permission to use it, but be assured, you won't be using it like _this_ ever again."

DJ nodded, "I'll go cancel the other ones right now. May I leave sir?"

"Yeah," Jake said, turning back to the statement and shaking his head, "Rachel, your spent nearly three grand in clothes, sixteen bucks short of three grand as a matter of fact. How did you get those past us?"

"I knew Mom was at work and you were taking a nap," Rachel said, to which Rose turned and scowled at her husband and then turned back to Rachel, "So I just rushed in as fast as I could."

"You're returning those clothes," Rose said with an air of finality in her voice.

"But Mom, I don't have the receipts," Rachel whined.

Rose leaned back in her chair, "I tell you what, you can keep the clothes, provided that you take _two_ months," Rose said with a smile as Rachel's eyes grew wider, "It's either that, or you can have one month for magically coming up with the receipts and getting our money back. Because Rachel, it wasn't your money that you spent, it was our money. You can only spend it if we give it to you, we didn't give you a dime to spend at Gucci, we gave you that card to pay a taxi driver if you're stuck somewhere, or to get cash to pay for getting your car fixed, not to buy a pair of boots and a dress, understand that?"

"Yes," Rachel said obediently.

"DJ is different," Rose said, motioning vaguely to the door, "Granted, it was technically stealing from us and we're still pissed, but at least he's using it for something constructive. That's why he get's to keep some of the things that he bought, but you spent it on clothes that were, for one thing, ugly, ugly _and_ expensive and clothes that you didn't need. Now what's it going to be, have the receipts magically reappeared?"

"Yes they have," Rachel grumbled, "I'll return them this weekend."

"Good," Rose said, "You may go."

* * *

><p>"Wow," Jake chuckled as he gathered the envelopes with the checks in them, "You really nuked them."<p>

"Well I love them Jake, but sometimes, they do the stupidest shit," Rose replied as she scooted in her seat behind her.

"You've got to admit," Jake smiled, "It was awfully adorable when they thought that we wouldn't notice."

Rose nodded, "I mean don't they know already that we are the parents of all parents?"

Smiling, he flipped the light switch off in the kitchen, "Maybe it's not so bad to spoil them every now and then."

Looking down to her feet, Rose sighed and nodded, "I was thinking the same thing after they left, I'm just afraid to do it, if we gave them everything they wanted, I'm afraid that they'll turn out like Erin's Daughter Natalia. Maybe, I don't have that much faith in my parenting. You know what, I think I'm going to tell Rachel that she can keep the clothes, but she's still grounded and she doesn't get that card back."

"And I'll tell DJ that he can keep his memberships," Jake grinned, "Even the Porn."

Rose elbowed her husband in the ribs, "Jake."

"What," Jake rubbed his side, "I was kidding."

* * *

><p>"Rachel," Rose opened the door slightly to see her daughter in her bed, reading a book, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"<p>

She nodded and set the book down, "Sure."

Rose smiled and looked at her daughter's open closet. There was so many things in it. Last year, they even had to have a contractor extend the size of the closet so Rachel could have more room in it. Rose guessed that there had to be fifty grand worth of crap in it, "I was talking to your Dad and he and I agreed that you two can keep the things that you bought, but your punishment still stands."

Her eyes widened, "I can keep them?"

Rose sat down on the side of the bed, "Yes, provided that you realize that what you did was stealing and that if you're going to spend that much money on clothes, it's only going to be with me. Do you realize that babe?"

Rachel nodded and laughed, "Thank you so much Mom."

She reached forward and threw her arms around her mother neck and hugged her. Rose laughed and hugged Rachel back, "And don't worry, we'll go shopping this weekend and I'll show you clothes that are cute and expensive. I'll show you how to rack up a huge Credit Card Bill."

Rachel pulled back, "Won't Daddy find out?"

"I have my own personal credit card," Rose winked, "Don't tell your father."

The second eldest Long daughter grinned, "You're the coolest Mom."

"Baby, I would have thought you would have known that by now," Rose snickered.

* * *

><p>Jake scratched his head as he entered his sons room to find him on his laptop, clearing his throat, he smiled as DJ looked up to him with a bit of surprise on his face, "Dad, I thought you two had gone to bed a long time ago? What's up?"<p>

Looking over at the desk on the right wall of his son's room, he spied the gold card that he had given DJ a month ago. Walking forward, he picked it up and turned back to DJ who had a look of slight disappointment on his face. Jake knew what he was thinking, but then that disappointment was knocked off of his face by surprise as Jake tossed the card into his lap. His hand immediately went back to his neck as he went to the door and closed it. He didn't know why he was about to do this, maybe it was because he understood that Teenage Boys had certain _habits_ and it was a pain in the ass to be cut off. He didn't want Rose to hear this conversation, "Dad, aren't you going to take it?"

"No DJ, I'm not," Jake turned and folded his arms over his chest, "Look, I want to make this as least awkward as possible, so I'll cut to the chase. I'm giving this back to you because I know that Teenage Boys have urges and I understand your _reasoning_. So, I'll make a deal with you: If you agree to not go over $200 Dollars in charges, I'll call the Credit Card Company tomorrow when everyone's out and take it off of your mother and mine's joint account and set up your own account. Every month, you'll get the statement, all you have to do is tell me the total, _don't tell me what you bought_. You can do this provided that you don't go over $200 Dollars. So, do we have an agreement Son?"

DJ chuckled despite the blush on his face, "So no questions asked, as long as I don't go over $200 Dollars?"

"And you don't do anything that could land you in Prison," Jake smiled and nodded, "But yes, that's the deal."

"I'll do that," He nodded, "And… don't tell Mom."

"Don't tell Mom," He nodded, "Knock yourself out DJ."

"…Thanks Dad," DJ said as Jake opened the door.

"Anytime DJ," Jake smiled and shut it behind him.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: This was complete and total CRACK! But I had fun writing it XD Leave a review please.**


	2. That Next Saturday…

**That Next Saturday…**

DJ leaned against the wall of the balcony outside his family's apartment, he was buzzing with excitement. Today he was going to spend the whole day with Marissa. They were going to go onto Long Island to the West Hampton Beaches for the day, maybe stop by Jackie's for a little while and just lay out on the beach afterwards. He was actually looking forward to it very much.

His car was as shiny as a new penny and he had $250 Bucks for gas and food, it was going to be a great day. Smiling to himself, he turned and looked through the large pane window and his breath caught. There was his rotten sister, running her little mouth to his girlfriend. A few nights ago when their Mom and Dad had busted them for overusing the Credit Cards, they had mentioned something about telling Marissa about a certain, _segment_ of his purchases. Rachel had volunteered to do it.

And if there's anything he knew about Ms. Rachel Karen Long.

She _always_ did the things that she said she would do.

"Damn it," DJ growled and he decided in that moment that he'd play it cool.

Turning back, he leaned against the wall and took leisurely sips of his Orange Juice. He was counting down the seconds in his head until he heard the entrance to the Balcony open and his death would come. And sure enough, he heard the sliding door to the outside open and he could smell her scent in the air. He turned and looked at her with a smile, "Hey Rissa."

"Hi Baby-Cakes," Marissa smiled and walked forward to lightly kiss him.

But her cheerful demeanor was broken by the time she moved from him and reached up to backhand him on top of his head with considerable force, "Is that _Cushy_ enough for you DJ? Internet Porn? Really, you paid $30.00 Bucks for something that you could get from me for free and a little begging?"

"That really fucking hurt," DJ whined as he rubbed his head.

"Good," Marissa smiled cockily and turned to walk back to the door, "Come on, we're have to get going if we're going to get to the beach before noon, make sure that you have a bag packed with some spare clothes and shoes."

'_The only reason that I'm following her ample behind is because I love her so much, if I only liked her, that little stunt would have landed her on the curb faster then you could say 'dumped', she's luck she's her,' _DJ brooded in his own mind and when he finally made it into the Apartment, she spied his sister sitting on the couch with a cocky smirk on her face. He pointed a finger at her, "You'd better sleep with one eye open, I live across from you."

"DJ," Marissa shouted from the hall, "Move it!"

* * *

><p><strong>(Just thought I'd toss this is here :D) <strong>


	3. The Trip…

**The Trip…**

The sleek contours of DJ Long's Gray CL-Class Luxury Coup Mercedes Benz hummed down the Long Island Expressway. It's incredibly powerful engine, muffled by the sound inhibiters built into the car, caused a steady hum as he speed up to get around a car with clear and concise move. Inside the climate controlled, leather bound, interior, DJ Long was tuning his girlfriend in and out from her now three hour long rant. He was thankful that he had been insightful enough to bring a pair of sunglasses to hide the many eye rolls that had crossed his face since they had left the parking garage.

"You know what else David Jacob Long," Marissa said in an almost hysterical tone, "The next time that you want to look at Porn, you remember, that will be the only naked chick that you'll be seeing for a very long time. You see, you're like Superman and I was born with something that I like to call _Sexual Kryptonite_. I am not afraid to do it. I will cut your perving ass off, is that what you really want DJ Long?"

DJ turned and offered her a skeptical gaze through his sunglasses, what the fuck did she just say? Did she just really imply that he was afraid of her cutting off their _intimate_ activities? That was a laugh, Marissa was a prude. God bless her soul, he loved her, but if she implied that she held a sexual hold over him, she was a fool. Laughing harshly, he would have clapped his hands together in amusement if he wasn't driving a $150,000 Dollar Car at the moment. Instead, he shook his head in pure amusement, "_Sexual Kryptonite_, please spare me. I get more action from my _hand_ then you give out in a month. I'll grant you that it's great when it happens, but that's _if _it happens. Lording Sex over me isn't the way to get me to fall into line, _you don't do things without very good incentive_. That was the best thing that Mom ever taught me, besides _respond with something sarcastic_ and _shoot first and then shoot again_."

"That's rich," Marissa laughed, "And that's something that you really want to tell the girl that you're dating, you get more action from your _hand _then her. It just tells me that you're a loser."

"_Prude_," He hissed at her.

"_Loser_," Marissa replied icily.

"_Bitch_," DJ shot back, he was growing indignant.

"_Fruit_," She smirked as DJ's anger grew.

"_Fruit? _Oh that does it, I'll show you fruit," DJ seethed and after looking over his left shoulder, singled to pull over to the shoulder of the actual road.

After making sure that there were no cars coming on the driver's side, he opened his door and shut it quickly before running to the other side of the car. On their left side was an entrance to a beach, DJ could hear the Atlantic Ocean and it's light roar as he opened Marissa's door. Pulling Marissa out of the car by her wrist and ignoring her confused look. He shut her door behind her and locked the car with his automatic lock on his key. Luckily, he noticed as he was fueled by the anger over her last comment, the beach looked secluded enough with its rolling dunes. '_Perfect…_' he grinned as he pulled the confused Marissa behind him. When he reached a spot that he judged that no one could see from either the road or the beach, he spun her around and smirked.

"What the hell are you doing? Is this like your dumping ground? Are you a serial killer?" Marissa screamed with indignation.

DJ shook his head with a smile and with an exertion of the strength that he had inherited from both of his parents. He picked her up by the waist and roughly put her down on the nearest sand dune. With his father's grin and his mother's eyes, it made for one convincing face when he was about to do something mischievous. Leaning down, he kissed her roughly on the mouth and ground his hips into hers, "I am about to prove to you once and for all that I am no fruit, and you know what?"

He lightly nipped on her ear before leaning close to her ear, "You'll be the one begging me afterwards."

And then he began to focus all of his ministrations on her neck and committing his hands to removing her clothes, "Wait DJ! My Hair, you're going to get sand in my hair-…ohh…- to hell w-with it."

* * *

><p><strong><strong>"Wow," Marissa said after thirty, of what was perhaps the best minutes of her life, "I mean …WOW!"

DJ chuckled and nodded his head, "You took the words right out of my mouth, now are we squared away, are you still pissed at me?"

Ignoring the fact that she must have had half of the beach in her hair, she turned and smiled at him, "I'm not the type of girl that'll take a _very_ good fuck and forget, but you know what, you are sorry and I'll take your word for it. So yeah, we're cool for now."

He raised his eyebrow, looking to where Marissa had thrown his shirt, "What do you mean, _for now_?"

Marissa smirked, "Until you piss me off again."

DJ chuckled, "West Hampton is just up the road, you want to head up there and maybe we can share a hotdog or something?"

A mischievous glint in her own eyes appeared, "Yeah, sure, in thirty minutes or so."

"Rissa?" DJ questioned but before he could ask anymore, he was pinned down when Marissa straddled him.

"I'm going to show you that I'm not prude," She winked before she leaned in.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I suppose that I'm taking this time to develop Marissa and DJ's relationship, so I suppose that this is not longer a one shot, seeing as their one more chapter and this is the third. I'm exploring their relationship because someone approached me for permission to write a DJ/Marissa centered piece and it's for their benefit. Nothing has been laid down yet, so I won't tell you who is planning to write this, but when I get confirmation that it's on the drawing Board, I'll announce it to you all. There'll be one more chapter and I'll put the stake in this one in the series that wouldn't die.**


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